Emily Long, LPCA

Emotional waves of grief. It’s all OK.

Emily — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 06:00:58 +0000

There are times, as a counselor and specifically a counselor who specializes in grief and bereavement, I find myself thinking that somehow the grief process should be easier for me. That because I work with people every day on this issue and because I teach and study this topic so much, it should be a less painful, less messy, or simply easier.

It isn’t.

I have the knowledge. I have the skills. I have the techniques and tools.

Yesterday, I was reminded, once again, that I also have the emotions. The sense of loss. The rawness of it.

My professional knowledge doesn’t protect me from the fullness of the grieving process. I just, perhaps, have slightly less resistance to allowing myself to move through it and more experience in knowing that it will lighten and shift and move through.

Yesterday afternoon I learned that someone in my spiritual community had passed. On one hand, you might say I didn’t really know him very well. I didn’t know many details about his life and I can’t say that I spent any real great lengths of time with him. However, in what I did know and what time I did spend with him, I felt a great connection and love for him. The times I did get to spend in his presence, I walked away with a sense of lightheartedness, humor, and kindness.

I remember him with love and sweetness and a playful sense of life. I am grateful for his presence in my life these last few years. My knowledge of life and death and how this adventure works is that he has simply moved on to another expression of life and another form of being. I find peace in knowing and remembering that.

At the same time, I feel profoundly sad. I feel a sort of rawness inside, a grief that speaks to the knowledge that I will not see or experience his presence in the same way again. There’s shock at the suddenness of his leaving. There is anger at the less than ideal way that I learned of his passing. There’s vulnerability at the reminder that anyone I love could leave at any time.

Gratitude and sadness. Love and grief. Peace and anger. Sweetness and vulnerability.

They come in waves of emotion. Sometimes all at once. All part of the process.

All OK.

Today I remind myself to simply let the waves of emotion flow through me. Whatever I may be feeling, in the end, it’s all simply love.

Things to Say to Support a Grieving Loved One

Emily — Thu, 21 May 2009 22:01:22 +0000

I’ve been reminded recently just how challenging and uncomfortable it can be to support people who are grieving. Even after all the learning I’ve done about healing grief, all the practicing what I’ve learned in my own life and all the working with so many others to support them in healing – I still get a little uncomfortable and uncertain.

It’s hard to sit with another person who is in pain. I always feel an intense urge to DO SOMETHING. I want to jump in and somehow make them feel better and hurt less. And I know that I can’t. Not really. I also know that helping them “feel better” in the moment is not necessarily going to benefit them in the long haul – grief is something that has to be moved through as painful as that may be (we get to choose whether we experience clean grief or dirty grief).

I’ve recently experienced the death of a young girl (I’ll call her Sylvia) who touched my life in countless ways. I miss her and grieve for her deeply. I’ve also become a source of support for several of her friends.

In the last few days, a couple of her friends have called me very upset because of things other people had said to them regarding Sylvia’s death and their grief. The statements people have made have NOT been helpful (to say the least) to Sylvia’s friends grieving processes.

Most hurtful statements made to grieving individuals are said with good intentions – people want to help AND they don’t know what to say. In spite of all my years of studying and experience, I know I can still feel awkward, uncomfortable and uncertain about what to say or do.

However, I have found some things to be fairly safe to say – things that likely won’t upset the grieving individual more and that let them know I am there for them.

• “I’m keeping you in my thoughts/heart/prayers.”

• A simple “I love you”

• Honesty is always good – “I don’t know what to say”

• “Let me take care of __________ for you.” (Fill in the blank with something specific – walk the dog, mow the yard, shop for your groceries, clean the house. When one is grieving, it’s often difficult for them to think of how you can help them.)

A hug goes well with any and all of the above. Physical touch and connection is often an overlooked aspect of supporting someone who is grieving. It’s okay to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and uncertain. Just keep it simple, be genuine and love them.

Grieving on Mother’s Day

Emily — Sun, 10 May 2009 22:40:11 +0000

There are a thousand things I could write today about grief and Mother’s Day – a holiday that seems, in our culture, to honor only those mothers who have children alive and well. However, I have been in recent weeks (months) taking my own advice regarding grief and self-care (hence, the lack of posts). So, today I simply want to share two poems to honor first, ALL mothers – especially those often unacknowledged on this day and every day – and second, to honor those mothers whose children left before they were born – for they are still mothers, regardless of if they had the gift of holding their children in their arms or not.

For Every Mother

Today is indeed, a day of beauty
An honoring of those amazing women
The ones who loved us and taught us
And gave us what we needed –
Each in their very own special way.

And to stop there would be
A disservice –
For there are so many mothers
Who, on this day and many others,
Go unrecognized and unacknowledged.

On this day for mothers –
I give love and peace to
All of you –

The mother who holds her children
Lovingly in her arms,
The mother who held a child in her
Womb but never in her arms,
The mother who gave her child life
Then gave her child to be loved by another,
The mother whose child has left or is gone –
For whatever reason,
The mother who has not children of her own
But mothers all the children she knows,
The mother who shares her amazing
Mother love to her 4-legged children,
The mother who mothers the children
Searching for a home,
The mothers who birth and nurture
Through art and plants and endless love,
And all those I may have neglected to mention –

For it is you, on this day called
Mother’s Day, I honor.
Each one of you who celebrates,
Each of you who cries,
Those who are acknowledged
And especially those who are often
Unseen –

For it is you –
Those seen and unseen,
Forgotten and remembered,
Whose love makes the world
All that it can be.

~ Emily Long

Heart Mother

I miss you
A little extra today, it seems.
Mothers are being honored today
My arms feel that much more
Empty
Without you to hold.
I never got to be the mom
Who took care of you,
Taught you things,
Watched you grow.
So, when I am asked
I always say,
“No, I have no children”
‘Tis easier, sometimes,
Than trying to explain.
And it always feels like a lie
Because although you left
Chose not to be born
In my heart, you are my children
In my heart, I am a mother.

Forgiveness

Emily — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:16:28 +0000

I’ve been taking a close look recently at the practice of forgiveness. I’m a bit hesitant to write about it because it can be such a triggery topic for people – but I also feel it’s a very important topic to discuss. When the topic of forgiving someone comes up many people get very angry and defensive at the idea of someone suggesting they forgive the person they are angry or resentful with. People will often insist that they have the right to be angry at the person who was driving drunk and hit their child or at the person who abused them or whatever else. These people will often say that so and so doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

Here is my 2-part response to that – You are absolutely right. We all have a right to feel whatever we feel. No exceptions.And, it’s not about the other person – forgiveness is always about us.

Right to be Angry

If you’ve read my previous articles – I talk a lot about how no emotion is bad, or good, it is simply an emotion . Everyone has the right to feel whatever it is they feel – angry, sad, joyful, excited, etc. The problem with holding onto emotions like anger or resentment, whether they are directed at other people or ourselves, is that the result is more pain for us. Holding onto anger against another person for something that they did or didn’t do does absolutely nothing to that person – it only harms us. Here is a quote I love from a book called “The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity” by Edwene Gaines:

“An unwillingness to forgive is like stabbing ourselves with a knife and expecting the person who did us wrong to feel the pain. Forgiveness is not something we do for the sake of another person. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves.”

I think that sometimes it’s easier to be angry and resentful because it helps us to avoid our grief . As long as we can focus on the anger and resentment, there’s no room in our attention for the intense pain of grief. The thing is, however, that just because we don’t let that pain into our awareness doesn’t mean it goes away. It just hangs around waiting for that day when we finally shift our focus off of anger. It has also been my experience that when I release the anger and resentment, it seems to carry some of the pain away with it.

“They don’t deserve forgiveness”

Perhaps you are right – maybe they don’t. Consider this though – do you want to feel miserable and upset and trapped or would you rather feel free and calm and loving? Anger and resentment keep us miserable and, when directed at another person, they keep us bound to that person. When we forgive, we free ourselves.

It’s not a question of what another person deserves or doesn’t deserve – it’s a question of what YOU deserve.

People often say they don’t know how to forgive – that they don’t know what to do to forgive someone (or themselves). I don’t think it’s a matter of doing. I think it’s a matter of allowing. The place to start is to be willing to forgive. To allow forgiveness to be a possibility. I believe the act of forgiveness – and the peace that comes with it – will follow that willingness organically and naturally.

Guest Post: Stories of Healing: I’ll Be With You

Emily — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:27:27 +0000

My journey through grief to healing begins with my aunt. My aunt was one of the most inspirational women I have had the privilege to know. She was strong and steady. She and I were extremely close and shared many happy moments together throughout my childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. She became not only an aunt but a sister and mentor. In April 2004, my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. All of us who were close to her had hope that this cancer would be in remission after chemotherapy and radiation. From 2004 to 2007, my aunt fought an extremely hard battle with the cancer that had now spread to her lungs and brain. She also dealt courageously with the side effects of chemotherapy, radiation, and the numerous prescription drugs she had been prescribed. On December 24, 2007, my aunt died.

The grieving process for me began when my aunt was initially diagnosed with breast cancer. However, it progressed as I learned her condition was terminal. Between August and December 2007, I was enrolled in a master’s degree program at East Tennessee State University. During this particular semester, I was enrolled in a class that focused on group therapy. One class period, much to my surprise, I shared my grief with my classmates. As my eyes began to tear up, I remember vividly one student saying, “It is OK Cassandra (meaning it is OK to show emotion).” This opened the flood gates, and I started letting every emotion I had so protectively held inside out. I was searching for answers, suggestions, and comfort from every possible source. The product of this experience was a suggestion from one of my classmates, “Why don’t you tell your aunt how you are feeling?” I remember thinking, “WHAT??? Be honest about my feelings???” It seemed like such a radical notion.

After much questioning and consideration, I decided to be honest with my aunt about the emotions I was feeling, the fears I was encountering, and what life would be like if she died. During a visit in October, I asked my aunt to sit with me. I told her I was not ready to let her go, and I selfishly wanted her to continue living so I could have her available to me in the future. As I spoke about my thoughts and feelings, my aunt gave me a smile of understanding and comfort. See, she already knew this. My aunt already knew the struggle of grief and was relieved I had shared this with her while she was still able to offer me comfort. At this moment she put her hand in mine and said, “I’ll be with you.”

The process of healing for me was about honesty – being honest with myself and being honest with my aunt. If we are honest about the way we are feeling, we oftentimes feel vulnerable. It can be much easier to say, “I’m fine” or “I’ll be fine.” When we express what we are truly feeling inside (i.e. anger, hostility, sadness, regret, guilt, etc.), our protected, inner-most thoughts and feelings are exposed for everyone to see and ultimately judge. However, with this possibility also comes the possibility of the sharing of compassion and love from those who truly care about us leading me to the importance of honesty with what or whom we are grieving. Communication can prove to be extremely valuable when coping with grief. Giving words to those thoughts and feelings that one is protecting can prove to open the door of healing.

About Cassandra

My name is Cassandra. I graduated from the University of Tennessee, Knoxville in 2004 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology. In May 2008, I graduated from East Tennessee State University (ETSU) with a Master of Arts degree in Community Agency Counseling. I am currently working with a grant-funded program that assists pregnant women in east Tennessee throughout the smoking cessation process. I also enjoy teaching as an adjunct faculty member at ETSU therefore I plan to go on to receive my doctorate in the near future so I can teach full-time. In my free time, I enjoy camping, hiking, and biking. I love nature and enjoy living so close to the Smokey Mountains National Park. I enjoy working for social justice in all areas of my life. Quilting is a hobby that also provides me with peace and serenity.