Physical Grief

The emotional aspects of grief are discussed all the time – sadness, anger, guilt, etc.  The physical grief we experience is less often discussed.  The physical symptoms of grief can catch us off guard because we usually don’t expect to be effected physically when we experience grief.

Here are some of the common physical grief symptoms:

• Exhaustion and Weariness
• Sleeplessness
• Poor appetite (or overeating)
• Losing weight without trying to
• Headaches/Migraines
• Increased forgetfulness and distractibility
• Physical weakness, shakiness
• Pain
• Restlessness

The list of physical reactions to grief is almost limitless.  It’s becoming more and more known in the medical field that stress is the root of many illnesses and pain – and grief is definitely a time of stress that can take a toll on one’s body.  Despite this medical knowledge, however, somatic pain often gets a bad name.  Many people, doctors included, tend to write off pain or illness that has an underlying emotional cause as somehow less painful or less valid.  Or that we are somehow to blame for our pain and therefore, “need to just get over it.”

It’s not.  We’re not.

Somatic pain is still pain.  Illness caused by stress is still illness.  I actually think that somatic pain is a great teacher.  Here’s what I mean:

I like to think of somatic pain, or any of the physical symptoms of grief, as a human check engine light.  Typically, when we are experiencing physical symptoms – something in our life has become unbalanced and needs attention.  Experiencing exhaustion, sleeplessness, no appetite and headaches could be my body saying “Hey!  You’re going through some major stuff here and trying to do too much.  Take a break and rest, would you?”  Physical pain could be your body signaling that there is some emotion (like grief) that you are avoiding that needs to be addressed and experienced.  Illness, like a cold or the flu, could be your body’s way of getting you to slow down and take care of some of your emotional needs. In today’s world, emotional needs tend to be written off as unimportant and not worth the time or trouble (are you really surprised to hear that I, once again, disagree?!).

What to do when experiencing the physical symptoms of grief?

The first step is to sit down for a while and get quiet.  Take a look at what is going on in your life.  Are you trying to do too much?  Are you taking care of everyone else’s needs and ignoring your own?  Are you distracting yourself and avoiding your grief (or other emotion)?

When the answer is yes (and I’m betting it probably will be), take some time to nurture yourself – emotionally and physically.  It doesn’t have to be a huge time commitment.  It can be as simple as 10 minutes a day, sitting down with a cup of tea and resting.  Or it could be taking a 20 minute walk outside every day.  It could be asking family and friends to help out with kids or the house for a while as you are dealing with grief (ok, so that one is a little bigger as most of us are not skilled at asked for support.)  You could schedule yourself a massage or acupuncture on a regular basis – these are both great for helping both process grief and nurturing your body.  It could be attending a grief support group for an hour a week.  You could spend your lunch hour reading a novel (instead of doing paperwork as so many tend to spend their lunch hour doing).

The point is that taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be a “BIG DEAL.”  It’s the simple things in life that make you feel loved and cared for and nurtured.  In the craziness and busyness of life and grief, taking care of ourselves often gets lost in the shuffle.  Physical symptoms or somatic pain are often just a little orange check engine light – warning us that we are neglecting ourselves and something needs to be given attention.

What is your check engine light telling you?