Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~ M. Kathleen Casey
In her book, Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck talks about the difference between clean pain and dirty pain. She describes “clean pain” as the unpleasant feeling an individual feels when something bad happens. “Dirty pain” is described as the suffering that comes from an individual’s thoughts about the events rather than from the events themselves.
I got to thinking about how this relates to grief.
Here are the definitions I came up with for “clean grief” and “dirty grief.” “Clean grief” is the unpleasant feeling an individual experiences when someone or something is lost. “Dirty grief” is the suffering that comes from an individual’s avoidance of the pain of his/her loss.
Clean grief is transformative. Like a forest after a wildfire, when grief sweeps through us, we grow to be stronger and more beautiful than before. As grief moves through us, we tend to experience a deeper sense of joy and gratitude for all the blessings in our life, a greater appreciation for life itself, and a sort of inner strength previously unknown to us. Grief, when fully experienced, can be cleansing, healing, and beautiful.
Dirty grief, on the other hand, is destructive. Avoided grief pushed below the surface of our consciousness leaks out and slowly damages our emotional and physical health, our relationships with others and with ourselves, and destroys our happiness. Dirty grief is like a wildfire that continues to smolder.
Grief is painful, overwhelming, and scary but avoided grief is doubly painful and never heals. Grief that is experienced and allowed can be a wonderful gift.
This is fascinating. I love that distinction between clean and dirty grief. It actually helps me sort out some of my feelings.
Thanks for this.
You are welcome! I’m glad it was helpful. (Thanks again for the link!)
Excellent post Emily, I have experienced both kinds of grief I do believe. Sometimes we ignore grief and hope it will just go away!
Thanks Emily for a wonderful post. I have learned more about myself as well as my father through the grief process. In the midst of pain, it can be transforming.
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