Huh? It’s okay to be angry?

I see a lot of kids in therapy who have been through anger management classes.  When we start talking about their experiences with anger, I often get eye rolls, shoulder shrugs, and hear things like, “I know, I know.  I need to stop getting angry.  I should just not be angry.”

I reply with, “No.  There’s nothing wrong with anger.  It’s just an emotion.  Be as angry as you need to be.”

Then I get lots of baffled or surprised or suspicious looks.  They look at me like I’m from another planet.  It’s fun for me to do the opposite of what the kids who come to see me expect.  And I really don’t believe anger is a bad thing.

Here’s the thing about anger — it’s nothing more than an emotion.  Anger has gotten a bad reputation, but it is simply an emotion like happiness, sadness, or excitement.  Does that mean I think it’s okay to beat the crap out of someone or destroy property because you are feeling angry?  No.  That’s a behavior.  Behavior and feelings are two very different things.  It is quite possible to be angry and not have violent behavior.  You can feel angry and not DO anything.  (I get funny looks when I say this too.)

So, what does this have to do with grief?

Anger is often seen as the shameful or unacceptable piece of grief.  It’s the piece people are most reluctant to talk about openly.  Especially if they feel guilty for being angry at someone who has died.  It’s also completely normal and okay.  Anger commonly comes in response to thoughts about the situation:

“She shouldn’t have died!”

“He died and left me and I don’t know how to support my kids alone. It’s not fair!”

“I shouldn’t be stuck in this wheelchair, I had so many plans!”

Something someone did:

“If she hadn’t been on her cell phone and ran that stop sign, my partner would be alive!”

“How could he be so selfish and kill himself and leave us?”

“How could she be so stupid to drink and drive?”

Something someone didn’t do:

“He should have checked on her, she was just a baby!”

“Why didn’t she tell me she was sick?  I could have helped her!”

“He told me he would be there at 9, if he’d just been on time none of this would have happened!”

Or what might have been:

“We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.  He was not supposed to die at 21 and leave me!”

“I had just found her again, we were supposed to have more time!”

“I was going to be a dancer.  It’s not fair!  I can barely walk now.”

There are a thousand reasons for anger in grief.  It’s often made more difficult to process and move through because it can be seen as unacceptable or shameful.  It’s also often mixed with sadness, guilt, and regret.  However, if you can be open to the idea that anger is no more bad or shameful than joy or peace or excitement, the anger of grief can be healed.

I’ll suggest some ideas for moving through the anger of grief in my next post.