Problems are messages. ~Shakti Gawain
“Am I crazy?”
I’ve been asked this question quite frequently by both children and adults. Most often I am asked this by people who are experiencing tremendous grief or trauma responses. My answer has always been,
“No, you are not crazy.”
In times of intense grief and trauma responses we sometimes have experiences that violate society’s norms. These normal responses are too often not discussed because we are afraid that others will think we are crazy and “lock us up in the mental house.” However, as unusual and rare as some of these responses might seem (and I question just how rare they really are), having them does not mean you are crazy. Here are examples of a few things I have heard people describe:
“I see my dad all the time. He comes with me everywhere. He sits at the table when I’m doing my homework, he stands in the back of my classroom, he stands in the corner of my room. Sometimes I hear things in my closet at night and when I open it, I see his fireman’s boots sitting there. But my dad is dead and I don’t have his boots.”
“I can smell his scent everywhere. I smell it at work and at home and even in the car. I smell it at night and I reach over for him but he died 6 months ago.”
“Sometimes I hear my mom call my name. But none of my friends hear her. They think I’m crazy because she abandoned us 3 months ago. There is something wrong with me.”
“Sometimes I have a terrible urge to destroy everything. To scream and scream and rip everything apart. To tear apart and break everything in the house. Or to drive my car through the house. I hate that house. It’s not home without my brother there. The urge to destroy everything that reminds me of him is so strong sometimes, it scares me. I never used to get angry before.”
“I wanted to rip him apart for what he did to me. I wanted to tear his penis off and put it through the lawn mower. I wanted to stab him over and over and over until he felt the pain that I feel. I wanted to kill him like he killed my soul.”
These individuals could be labeled (i.e. diagnosed) as psychotic or homicidal. My diagnosis? An overwhelming trauma or loss that results in the brain trying to make sense and process the trauma or loss. Your brain and body are trying to help you find your balance and heal. Perhaps your responses aren’t this extreme but are drastically different from anything you’ve known as normal for you — either way, intense responses can be scary or unsettling.
While these responses might seem frightening and unusual, if you let your body and brain process the trauma and loss and allow yourself to experience your pain, chances are that these responses will pass. Often these responses are signals to us that we are not allowing ourself to experience our grief or loss. If this is the case, when we move into and through the pain, the responses resolve themselves naturally.
It’s okay, you’re not crazy.
