Self-Care and Christine Kane

One of the biggest and most significant aspects of my process of healing grief has been learning self-care and learning to trust in my intuitive knowledge of how to heal.  Healing without self-care is simply not going to work.  By far, one of my biggest teachers and mentors in this learning process has been Christine Kane.

I first met Christine a year ago when I attended one of her women’s retreats.  That retreat alone sent me on a fast track in healing and growth and creating a life that I now love and adore.  Following that retreat, I participated in her Uplevel Your Life Mastery Program home study course.  That too, resulted in massive healing of old grief, new levels of self-care, and personal growth.  This year I am in Christine’s platinum coaching circle and every day is a new adventure in healing, in growth, and in stepping forward into this life I love.

In my life I have spent years holding onto old grief and simply surviving.  Christine has shown me many tools and ways to release that old grief and to heal.  I can’t describe the enormous impact her teachings have made in my life.

I tell just about anyone who will listen about how working with Christine has impacted my life.  And because she taught me so much about self-care and healing in a way that is entirely focused on moving forward without getting stuck in the story or the past (which fits so well with what I teach) – I wanted to let you all know about a Free Teleseminar she is doing this Wednesday, June 10th at 8:00 pm EST.  Christine’s teleseminar is called 5 Simple Action Steps to Take Your Life to the Next Level This Summer.  You can click here to sign up for it:  http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?af=997958

(Just so you know, that is an affiliate link – if you ever decide to participate in her Uplevel Your Life Mastery Program after clicking this link and signing up for her teleseminar, I’ll receive 35% of the price.  I signed up because I believe whole-heartedly  in what Christine is offering.  Her teleseminar, however, is completely free and I won’t receive a thing for that.  And whether or not you ever purchase any of her products or programs – I highly recommend this teleseminar – it’s great!)

Again, Christine’s teleseminar is this Wednesday, June 10th at 8pm EST.  The lines got jammed last time with all the people wanting to hear what she has to say so sign up and reserve your space!  If you are interested but can’t make the at that time – never fear!  Sign up anyway and you’ll receive a recording of the call via email with a day or two of the teleseminar.  Again the link is http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?af=997958

Christine has taught me more about healing and self-care and courage and creating a life I love than anyone I’d ever met before.  I am a much happier, healthier, and more peaceful person than I was a year ago.  It has taken a lot of hard work and commitment but it is completely worth it!

Things to Say to Support a Grieving Loved One

I’ve been reminded recently just how challenging and uncomfortable it can be to support people who are grieving.  Even after all the learning I’ve done about healing grief, all the practicing what I’ve learned in my own life and all the working with so many others to support them in healing – I still get a little uncomfortable and uncertain.

It’s hard to sit with another person who is in pain.  I always feel an intense urge to DO SOMETHING.  I want to jump in and somehow make them feel better and hurt less.  And I know that I can’t.  Not really.  I also know that helping them “feel better” in the moment is not necessarily going to benefit them in the long haul – grief is something that has to be moved through as painful as that may be (we get to choose whether we experience clean grief or dirty grief).

I’ve recently experienced the death of a young girl (I’ll call her Sylvia) who touched my life in countless ways.  I miss her and grieve for her deeply.  I’ve also become a source of support for several of her friends.

In the last few days, a couple of her friends have called me very upset because of things other people had said to them regarding Sylvia’s death and their grief.  The statements people have made have NOT been helpful (to say the least) to Sylvia’s friends grieving processes.

Most hurtful statements made to grieving individuals are said with good intentions – people want to help AND they don’t know what to say.  In spite of all my years of studying and experience, I know I can still feel awkward, uncomfortable and uncertain about what to say or do.

However, I have found some things to be fairly safe to say – things that likely won’t upset the grieving individual more and that let them know I am there for them.

•    “I’m keeping you in my thoughts/heart/prayers.”

•    A simple “I love you”

•    Honesty is always good – “I don’t know what to say”

•    “Let me take care of __________ for you.”  (Fill in the blank with something specific – walk the dog, mow the yard, shop for your groceries, clean the house.  When one is grieving, it’s often difficult for them to think of how you can help them.)

A hug goes well with any and all of the above.  Physical touch and connection is often an overlooked aspect of supporting someone who is grieving.  It’s okay to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and uncertain.  Just keep it simple, be genuine and love them.

Grieving on Mother’s Day

There are a thousand things I could write today about grief and Mother’s Day – a holiday that seems, in our culture, to honor only those mothers who have children alive and well.  However, I have been in recent weeks (months) taking my own advice regarding grief and self-care (hence, the lack of posts).  So, today I simply want to share two poems to honor first, ALL mothers – especially those often unacknowledged on this day and every day – and second, to honor those mothers whose children left before they were born – for they are still mothers, regardless of if they had the gift of holding their children in their arms or not.

For Every Mother

Today is indeed, a day of beauty
An honoring of those amazing women
The ones who loved us and taught us
And gave us what we needed –
Each in their very own special way.

And to stop there would be
A disservice –
For there are so many mothers
Who, on this day and many others,
Go unrecognized and unacknowledged.

On this day for mothers –
I give love and peace to
All of you –

The mother who holds her children
Lovingly in her arms,
The mother who held a child in her
Womb but never in her arms,
The mother who gave her child life
Then gave her child to be loved by another,
The mother whose child has left or is gone –
For whatever reason,
The mother who has not children of her own
But mothers all the children she knows,
The mother who shares her amazing
Mother love to her 4-legged children,
The mother who mothers the children
Searching for a home,
The mothers who birth and nurture
Through art and plants and endless love,
And all those I may have neglected to mention –

For it is you, on this day called
Mother’s Day, I honor.
Each one of you who celebrates,
Each of you who cries,
Those who are acknowledged
And especially those who are often
Unseen –

For it is you –
Those seen and unseen,
Forgotten and remembered,
Whose love makes the world
All that it can be.

~ Emily Long

Heart Mother

I miss you
A little extra today, it seems.
Mothers are being honored today
My arms feel that much more
Empty
Without you to hold.
I never got to be the mom
Who took care of you,
Taught you things,
Watched you grow.
So, when I am asked
I always say,
“No, I have no children”
‘Tis easier, sometimes,
Than trying to explain.
And it always feels like a lie
Because although you left
Chose not to be born
In my heart, you are my children
In my heart, I am a mother.

Forgiveness

I’ve been taking a close look recently at the practice of forgiveness. I’m a bit hesitant to write about it because it can be such a triggery topic for people – but I also feel it’s a very important topic to discuss. When the topic of forgiving someone comes up many people get very angry and defensive at the idea of someone suggesting they forgive the person they are angry or resentful with. People will often insist that they have the right to be angry at the person who was driving drunk and hit their child or at the person who abused them or whatever else. These people will often say that so and so doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

Here is my 2-part response to that – You are absolutely right. We all have a right to feel whatever we feel. No exceptions.And, it’s not about the other person – forgiveness is always about us.

Right to be Angry

If you’ve read my previous articles – I talk a lot about how no emotion is bad, or good, it is simply an emotion . Everyone has the right to feel whatever it is they feel – angry, sad, joyful, excited, etc. The problem with holding onto emotions like anger or resentment, whether they are directed at other people or ourselves, is that the result is more pain for us. Holding onto anger against another person for something that they did or didn’t do does absolutely nothing to that person – it only harms us. Here is a quote I love from a book called “The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity” by Edwene Gaines:

“An unwillingness to forgive is like stabbing ourselves with a knife and expecting the person who did us wrong to feel the pain. Forgiveness is not something we do for the sake of another person. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves.”

I think that sometimes it’s easier to be angry and resentful because it helps us to avoid our grief . As long as we can focus on the anger and resentment, there’s no room in our attention for the intense pain of grief. The thing is, however, that just because we don’t let that pain into our awareness doesn’t mean it goes away. It just hangs around waiting for that day when we finally shift our focus off of anger. It has also been my experience that when I release the anger and resentment, it seems to carry some of the pain away with it.

“They don’t deserve forgiveness”

Perhaps you are right – maybe they don’t. Consider this though – do you want to feel miserable and upset and trapped or would you rather feel free and calm and loving? Anger and resentment keep us miserable and, when directed at another person, they keep us bound to that person. When we forgive, we free ourselves.

It’s not a question of what another person deserves or doesn’t deserve – it’s a question of what YOU deserve.

People often say they don’t know how to forgive – that they don’t know what to do to forgive someone (or themselves). I don’t think it’s a matter of doing. I think it’s a matter of allowing. The place to start is to be willing to forgive. To allow forgiveness to be a possibility. I believe the act of forgiveness – and the peace that comes with it – will follow that willingness organically and naturally.

I’d like to leave you with a beautiful poem on forgiveness shared with me by a beautiful person – someone who has agreed to let me share it with you but who wishes to remain anonymous.

Forgiveness

Some days I want to scream
And scream and scream
‘Til all the rage inside of me
Is set loose onto the wind.
Scream until the ball of rage
Lodged so firmly in my heart
Dissolves away to loving tears.

Sometimes the urge to lash at you
Seems to take me over
And I shake and cry and
Beat the air with fisted hands.
At times I fear the icy rage
Will consume my very soul -
I want to hurt you for the pain in me.

For years I woke from nights
Of haunting dreams and memories
And the icy ball of rage
Burned with red hot tears.
Sticky strings of blackened guilt
Tied the icy sphere to me
Throbbing with my heart beat.

I have often felt consumed
With tears that never seem to end
‘Til my soul is hollowed out
And my eyes burn as red hot coals.
Pain slashes through my heart
As hot knives slide through butter
An oily coat of red tinged tears.

I wish I knew how to hate you
To forget how much I love you
And all the love you gave to me
In all those years you were my brother.
I wish I could hate you now
For the choice you made that day -
Hating you might take my pain away.

Some days, and every day,
I can’t help but love you still.
And I cry and rage at life
Because I haven’t yet forgiven you.
It’s as if I want to punish you
Cling to icy rage and sticky guilt
To somehow tie you to this life.

In my dreams you say “I’m sorry”
You say you just didn’t see
And you ask me to forgive you.
The rage, the guilt that lives in me
Spreads through me like poison.
And, yet, as I look upon your face
A wave of love floods over me.

I remember how you made me laugh
And let me tag along to play and
Even how you called me little sister.
I can’t help but recall how you played
All those endless games of Monopoly
By my hospital bed as I recovered.
I remember how you loved me so.

In my dreams I see your face
And all my icy rage dissolves away,
Washed clear by your loving tears.
You take my sticky guilt into your hands
And make a pretty flower you hand to me.
Cleansing tears spill from me as you
Whisper, “All is well, little sister.”

And then suddenly, I knew.
The way you left no longer mattered.
For all those years of love
And all those memories of laughter
Simply overwhelmed the rage,
The guilt, the pain in me.
I responded, “I forgive you, weekend brother.”

Guest Post: Stories of Healing: I’ll Be With You

My journey through grief to healing begins with my aunt. My aunt was one of the most inspirational women I have had the privilege to know. She was strong and steady. She and I were extremely close and shared many happy moments together throughout my childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. She became not only an aunt but a sister and mentor. In April 2004, my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. All of us who were close to her had hope that this cancer would be in remission after chemotherapy and radiation. From 2004 to 2007, my aunt fought an extremely hard battle with the cancer that had now spread to her lungs and brain. She also dealt courageously with the side effects of chemotherapy, radiation, and the numerous prescription drugs she had been prescribed. On December 24, 2007, my aunt died.

The grieving process for me began when my aunt was initially diagnosed with breast cancer. However, it progressed as I learned her condition was terminal. Between August and December 2007, I was enrolled in a master’s degree program at East Tennessee State University. During this particular semester, I was enrolled in a class that focused on group therapy. One class period, much to my surprise, I shared my grief with my classmates. As my eyes began to tear up, I remember vividly one student saying, “It is OK Cassandra (meaning it is OK to show emotion).” This opened the flood gates, and I started letting every emotion I had so protectively held inside out. I was searching for answers, suggestions, and comfort from every possible source. The product of this experience was a suggestion from one of my classmates, “Why don’t you tell your aunt how you are feeling?” I remember thinking, “WHAT??? Be honest about my feelings???” It seemed like such a radical notion.

After much questioning and consideration, I decided to be honest with my aunt about the emotions I was feeling, the fears I was encountering, and what life would be like if she died. During a visit in October, I asked my aunt to sit with me. I told her I was not ready to let her go, and I selfishly wanted her to continue living so I could have her available to me in the future. As I spoke about my thoughts and feelings, my aunt gave me a smile of understanding and comfort. See, she already knew this. My aunt already knew the struggle of grief and was relieved I had shared this with her while she was still able to offer me comfort. At this moment she put her hand in mine and said, “I’ll be with you.”

The process of healing for me was about honesty – being honest with myself and being honest with my aunt. If we are honest about the way we are feeling, we oftentimes feel vulnerable. It can be much easier to say, “I’m fine” or “I’ll be fine.” When we express what we are truly feeling inside (i.e. anger, hostility, sadness, regret, guilt, etc.), our protected, inner-most thoughts and feelings are exposed for everyone to see and ultimately judge. However, with this possibility also comes the possibility of the sharing of compassion and love from those who truly care about us leading me to the importance of honesty with what or whom we are grieving. Communication can prove to be extremely valuable when coping with grief. Giving words to those thoughts and feelings that one is protecting can prove to open the door of healing.

About Cassandra

My name is Cassandra. I graduated from the University of Tennessee, Knoxville in 2004 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology. In May 2008, I graduated from East Tennessee State University (ETSU) with a Master of Arts degree in Community Agency Counseling. I am currently working with a grant-funded program that assists pregnant women in east Tennessee throughout the smoking cessation process. I also enjoy teaching as an adjunct faculty member at ETSU therefore I plan to go on to receive my doctorate in the near future so I can teach full-time. In my free time, I enjoy camping, hiking, and biking. I love nature and enjoy living so close to the Smokey Mountains National Park. I enjoy working for social justice in all areas of my life. Quilting is a hobby that also provides me with peace and serenity.